再见
it has been a long time i don't post anything in my blog.
it'll be 2018 soon. i've already lose everyone in my life and i think i already did my best.
i know at the end, i'll be left alone. everything is so hard for me. no one knows how suffer i am inside here. im happy for them. im sorry nisa but its too painful for me. replaced by people who i thought they're different, i was wrong. maybe i live to let people use me, i shouldn't have a high hopes of people will save me. yes, im dying here. im thankful to the moment when they're around me and give me a warm words. i guess, i'm born to let people use me. if people who i love alot already gone, why should i stay right? they're gone and im alone here. im too afraid to live, im scared. when my eyes show me how they walk away from my life and leave me alone. i've no one by my side since then. goodbyes.
✕ ✕ ✕
halooo :D firstly, to those human who dm me and tell me that she read all my blog post
thx so much xD and dont pity of me ^^ im grateful that u still accept how im hooooo xD
its gonna be 2016, time flies so fast~ i will have no time to update my blog anymore,
so im gonna say happy new year to everyone :) next year will be more changeling for me
and anyone who feel it~ im scared to face all type of person in this world but i've god by
my side. i prefer to be alone even here and irl but sometime i do feel lonely, people wont
understand me until they know hows my situition. its hard for me to accept or trust people
easily esp irl. its hard for me to be alone and hiding my true self. its hard for me to say
what i want say deep inside my heart. when i try to say deep inside my heart, i show its
opposite way. beware, if i teasing u or jokes with u thats mean i love u deep inside my heart
:) people will think im bad cause of showing my love towards that but i do like to show how i
love them by that ^^ everyday, i've to tell myself irl "focus on ur studies" "dont care what other people say "do ur work" "its ok for me to have no friend like everyone else cause i've god" whenever i walk away alone, i look some of them who r smile with their friend and laughing together, im asking myself " how its feel to laugh wit a real laugh infront of ur friend? " even i ever be like them before but im asking myself, im the one who choose to
be in this way, to stay away from all person, to hide myself infront of them. cause im tired, one day they will treat me like im no exist. but in this way, people look at me with easy way
cause i never show my real self infront of them. people think i've no problem to worry at all.
its wrong. every night, im overthinking about what happen or what am i doing. its not easy for me to be strong and show a fake smile irl. even my mom didnt understand me, im a quiet person irl but here im damn crazy cause here only i can play and heal my pain. some of people wont know why i choose to live like this, "why u didnt find friend?" i told u, there so many fake friend around me. people come and go. and i leave people cause i got my own reason. not cause i have no reason. im gonna study hard cause i want to make my parents or everyone proud of me. sacrifice my life. im not like other person. complicated and have
a hard heart sometime. im serious person irl but sometime not xD i've to make my heart strong before face all human. i like to be in quiet and peaceful place. well anti-social? yeah.
whenever i didnt talk, theres alot of thing in my mind. im just not brave anymore.. im not brave enough anymore to face all of this.. people are so scary.. but even they r scary, some of them, i can feel their hurts too. thats what most of reason i like to make ppl happy. but some of them forgot those who help them and then back to the person who hurt them back.
thats how human. some of them :) i feel thankful to those feel that im important in their life while i think, i just hurt them. thx to ppl who think im important in their life ^^ thx cause patient with my attitude. and everything :p haiz im shy to say this sweet things but xD love u guys ♥ u also important for my life :) as u know, u guys r the reason why i can be this brave and strong
호호
halooo :D its been awhile i didn't post smtg here, i think around many months? xD alot of things happen tho, alot of things~ but my grammar still asdfghjkl xD whenever
i hear my song in blog, its make me remember the old me, the old my
frd and my memories~ i've changed alot and many things happen in my life :) to those friend who r i leave rn, u and u.. im sorry and im truly sorry cause i'm this type of person~ deep inside me, im still care about all of u but i prefer to pretend not care about it cause i know u guys have a good life now and i dont want to disturb ur happy life now ^^ i miss..
everything, i miss the old me like crazy, i miss the time i spend my time to all person i trust but now its change.. i've forgive all person, i try my best to be a good guy even tho i fail many times.. i know its not good to end the friendship but i've no idea.. im scared
to the person who broke my trust.. im scared to trust them back.. my life now, theres
will always have a darkness in my heart~ im sorry.. to all the person who ever be my
friend or my close friend ^^ its not easy for me to decide my choose, to leave person..
its not easy, cause i know myself very well that i will be missing them and i will still
care about them.. this side of me, still not changed.. right? i love everyone.. i love god
and i love everything.. but pains change me. pains change the way im treat to all person..
its hurt.. its hurt people just use u and people just toying with u.. its not my fault
im this way.. im born with this way.. i make all people happy cause i know i dont deserve
to be happy and i like when i see people be happy and smile.. im grateful and thankful
to those people who are still want to be my friend and stay by my side :D im sensitive
person.. im shy to admit it but im a sensitive guy idk when i be this sensitive but
words can kill people mind easily~ to those two person who once be my close friend,
i think u have a good life now? im sorry, i know im hurting both of u.. there r time
u have a hard time right? i just want u to know, to stay strong even ur weak ^^ everything
happen for a reason~ im sorry cause i cant stay by ur side, im bad frd i know it~ but
remember, when u look at behind, remember there r someone care abt u even they
pretend dont care about u :) both of u have grow up so well~ goodluck for ur spm and
i know u can do it ^^~ to this crazy people ever xD arina and lene, thx cause stay by my side :p whenever both of u talk to me, i feel grateful and thankful to god cause meet
someone like both of u, accept for who im, layan my craziness and nonsense, when im
in hard times, both of u worry abt me and ask am i ok :p arina the most not fabs saeng
ever who can't express her inside but i can read her mind very well and leney the person
who r try to be a strong girl, i've learn alot of them :p thx so much for both of u that
make my life colorful ^^ also not forget, god who r always by my side and listen to
me when i want to be alone, and the person who are still remember me, im sincerely
say thx cause remember my name n myself :) i feel touched when ppl still remember
me even rare talk :D happy new year ! there sure will be alot of things happen in 2016~
사랑
halooooo :D its has been so long time, i didn't update my blog ohh xD
look like so many lizard egg here xD
wa ady march time flies so fast, even its new years many things good n bad
had happens to me :D i wanna say thx to the person who never leave me n
always by my side, thx so much n i really appreciate it :D
there r one person who r always in my heart, who makes me happy than
i never be, who makes me feel different and anything that never happens to
me before, i really want say thx to tht person, i never understand love (now
also i dont understand) or had interest wit love before i meet her, i feel
really happy she always by my side whenever im in hard times or good times,
n i never feel this much loved by someone before, i like the way she show
her love towards me tbh blekk blekkk im not hot in love blekk :p maybe now,
im not so close wit other frd but i will never forget them i remember yo xD
i also ady be a different ppl day by day maybe cause of love or pain i have
changed but i want to be a better person than before, i really want say sorry
if im not like myself anymore but i always be myself cause i like the way im than
be like others, but yoo no matter how old im n no matter this heart ady broken
or anything, i wont change the fact of being a joke around n crazy person cause
thats the origanally me since i was born, tbh im proud of it cause my mind is full
of nonsense than other wakakaka xD even im in love wit someone, sometime my
heart will feel empty cause idk haiz this weird heart but once i love that person
i wont ever cheating on them n cont love them more n more also be understanding,
im scared that i will lose someone thts meaning alot for me, i have many weakness
tbh, for me, love can be so hurts n pain until can changed ppl but in the same time,
love can be so special feelings for u n u'll be addict to it, i still remember tht i can't
even say i love u to the person tht im not really mean it n the past me without love
its so lonely tbh, many things that had happen to me but the same things repeat
but if its many time u will get more hurts cause its the same things u feel everytime,
i have hurts someone alot without i notice, i still remember that "one girl" :p
i have hurt her alot until she do smtg tht can hurts herself, its two time tbh
im bad guy didnt i xD ahh, its two time i angry to her for doing tht, must curious
right? :p its like they make scars to their hand wit knife well many ppl do it when
they in broke heart, but i hate when ppl do it cause its kind of sohai but
i understand the reason why they do tht, maybe they think they dont have life
anymore, for them the ppl who do it, their hearts its more pain than the scars until
blooding, maybe la idk i never tried before, but cont story, we had break up many
times, then cp back then break then cp then break then kbommm hahaha jk xD
got one time tht i ask her to be my gf back time i will face my spm exam but
then i feel tht she is kind of reject me then she try fix the missunderstand n i
dont remember after tht but i make her worry of me, she find me n keep find me
(she told me) lalalala :p then she meet my twitter but whenever i look at her
tht time is full of dislike, i keep ignore her until one day i back again wit her alright
im really bad guy i admit it, she always love me but all i did is hurting her, i know
im lucky guy to have her in my life now but back then, i feel really guilty n keep saying
sorry to her now i never notice tht i make her tht hurting until she hurt herself cause
of me, she is my crybaby :p cause she always cry for me until now same haiz haiz
i hate to see someone cry for me n i dont want hurt anyone esp girls cause i know
it's not good to hurt tht pinky gender blekk :p cause tht gender is full of soft heart
inside even outside they not show it, back to the story, im afraid tht i will lost her
someone like her who accept everything on me, who wont do smtg tht i dont like
without complaining, who understand me alot, who just like my life n my heart,
she's open my hard heart n go very deeply, whenever i hurt her without notice it
i feel really sorry n guilty, n whenever she hurt me without notice it, i feel like
my heart gonna broken to pieces cause i really love her so much n i let her go in
my heart really deep, its more hurts than the person who hurts me, cause she
is someone who i really love, i never fight over her, but she always fight for me,
its really hard to be in love, its really hard to love someone, its really hard for someone
love u back, without lesson of both the cp they never success to be together,
im glad tht both of us success for the lesson in the past, now many lesson will always
try our love together, i really afraid to let go someone like her to other guy, even i
did it, i want tht guy will be more better than me cause all i want see is her smile
n be the most happiest girl in this world thts how i want say sorry towards her,
no matter how much ppl judge us be together or our love dovey, they didnt feel
wat we both feel, i will always protect her to not being hurt, cause seeing her hurt
make me more hurt, even she dont want to tell me wats wrong, i really hope tht i
can help her even abit but i can't, we r too far together, i still feel angry to the
person name ' arsyad ' oi boy, i still dont forget tht u ever love her, i still dont forget
tht i ever make her to go wit u, idk ur this type of person i know im no one to judge
but dont hurt or blame someone who r not their fault, u must hate love so much now,
but tht r not related to anyone, i know i shouldnt say it cause im not the one who
feel it but i can feel how pain u r, tbh i dont like ur attitude of liking a girl just cause
of their looks, its like ur not sincerely like them u just like the face not inside the girl,
when the time i back to ur lady before, i never plan to love her but i just want to be
her frd just a frd, i wont bother ppl who r like who, i respect their like n i wont bother
ppl who is get like by someone cause wat? cause im not the type of the person who
will fight wat i like n automaticly my head will see them as a frd, as u know, i try
to help u, i try to help u tht she will like u back n also hope, its not good to bother
someone like for me lalalala xD but i want ask, why u confesss to her after i comeback
to her? u should confess before i dont comeback to her if u like her, so tht time she
will accept u, n u wont be like this, i know its also my fault, im sorry im truly sorry,
tht day i feel alot of guilty but i feel u talk bad to her cause of me, im sorry
then, n also sorry cause talk bad abt u at the first sentence im sorry, im not a flirty
person to anyone cause this is the way im since i was born i cant do anything, god
created me like this, ohh so long alright thts all, btw leneyyyy goodluck for ur exam
hwaiting hwaitingggg :p dont be nervous n remember i always proud of u n ur parents
alsoooo :p i will always pray for ur success in life, i hope u did well :p i love uuuuu :p
im bad guy didnt i xD ahh, its two time i angry to her for doing tht, must curious
right? :p its like they make scars to their hand wit knife well many ppl do it when
they in broke heart, but i hate when ppl do it cause its kind of sohai but
i understand the reason why they do tht, maybe they think they dont have life
anymore, for them the ppl who do it, their hearts its more pain than the scars until
blooding, maybe la idk i never tried before, but cont story, we had break up many
times, then cp back then break then cp then break then kbommm hahaha jk xD
got one time tht i ask her to be my gf back time i will face my spm exam but
then i feel tht she is kind of reject me then she try fix the missunderstand n i
dont remember after tht but i make her worry of me, she find me n keep find me
(she told me) lalalala :p then she meet my twitter but whenever i look at her
tht time is full of dislike, i keep ignore her until one day i back again wit her alright
im really bad guy i admit it, she always love me but all i did is hurting her, i know
im lucky guy to have her in my life now but back then, i feel really guilty n keep saying
sorry to her now i never notice tht i make her tht hurting until she hurt herself cause
of me, she is my crybaby :p cause she always cry for me until now same haiz haiz
i hate to see someone cry for me n i dont want hurt anyone esp girls cause i know
it's not good to hurt tht pinky gender blekk :p cause tht gender is full of soft heart
inside even outside they not show it, back to the story, im afraid tht i will lost her
someone like her who accept everything on me, who wont do smtg tht i dont like
without complaining, who understand me alot, who just like my life n my heart,
she's open my hard heart n go very deeply, whenever i hurt her without notice it
i feel really sorry n guilty, n whenever she hurt me without notice it, i feel like
my heart gonna broken to pieces cause i really love her so much n i let her go in
my heart really deep, its more hurts than the person who hurts me, cause she
is someone who i really love, i never fight over her, but she always fight for me,
its really hard to be in love, its really hard to love someone, its really hard for someone
love u back, without lesson of both the cp they never success to be together,
im glad tht both of us success for the lesson in the past, now many lesson will always
try our love together, i really afraid to let go someone like her to other guy, even i
did it, i want tht guy will be more better than me cause all i want see is her smile
n be the most happiest girl in this world thts how i want say sorry towards her,
no matter how much ppl judge us be together or our love dovey, they didnt feel
wat we both feel, i will always protect her to not being hurt, cause seeing her hurt
make me more hurt, even she dont want to tell me wats wrong, i really hope tht i
can help her even abit but i can't, we r too far together, i still feel angry to the
person name ' arsyad ' oi boy, i still dont forget tht u ever love her, i still dont forget
tht i ever make her to go wit u, idk ur this type of person i know im no one to judge
but dont hurt or blame someone who r not their fault, u must hate love so much now,
but tht r not related to anyone, i know i shouldnt say it cause im not the one who
feel it but i can feel how pain u r, tbh i dont like ur attitude of liking a girl just cause
of their looks, its like ur not sincerely like them u just like the face not inside the girl,
when the time i back to ur lady before, i never plan to love her but i just want to be
her frd just a frd, i wont bother ppl who r like who, i respect their like n i wont bother
ppl who is get like by someone cause wat? cause im not the type of the person who
will fight wat i like n automaticly my head will see them as a frd, as u know, i try
to help u, i try to help u tht she will like u back n also hope, its not good to bother
someone like for me lalalala xD but i want ask, why u confesss to her after i comeback
to her? u should confess before i dont comeback to her if u like her, so tht time she
will accept u, n u wont be like this, i know its also my fault, im sorry im truly sorry,
tht day i feel alot of guilty but i feel u talk bad to her cause of me, im sorry
then, n also sorry cause talk bad abt u at the first sentence im sorry, im not a flirty
person to anyone cause this is the way im since i was born i cant do anything, god
created me like this, ohh so long alright thts all, btw leneyyyy goodluck for ur exam
hwaiting hwaitingggg :p dont be nervous n remember i always proud of u n ur parents
alsoooo :p i will always pray for ur success in life, i hope u did well :p i love uuuuu :p
사랑 상처
idk whats wrong wit me..
i feel awkward, not myself and mostly my heart feel hurt..
im smilling but inside me is killing me, i dont know..
i dont know what feel is this but my heart feel so weight..
love? i tho if i continue the relay, my heart will feel happy and like usually but
it's hard now, i still feel hurt and pain.. my heart keep say i dont deserve her,
i can't forget of it.. everytime i look at her, i always remember or imagine it..
i'm busy myself but my mind always remember it and its can't stop worry..
its not about she love me or not, it's about someone will take her from me,
it's about someone that i love also will go same like other person,
its hard for me, really hard for me to put someone in my heart so deeply
cause its afraid of getting hurt.. im afraid of getting hurt again n again,
i don't know why im so hard but my heart cannot stop feel guilty of
her, im confused rn wether my heart put her in my heart or outside of my heart,
to love someone and put them in my heart its really hard..
i feel like crazy person today, i had to pretend like everything alright infront of her,
i'm sorry.. but i don't smile alot today irl even with u.. i.. really.. dont know..
all i feel is hurt and pain not love.. i don't feel anything even with u..
when im with you today, i imagine alot, that u had another guy ady and we r
just friend.. i'm sorry.. im really sorry.. my heart so hard rn.. even with u
its also hard.. i'm sorry cause can't be a perfect bf that u want, i think we
just suitable to be a friends.. not more than that, i'm sorry i'm really sorry
that the only word i can say, i miss the time we r happy together.. i miss
the time we smile and joke each other, i miss the time i make u
smilling, i miss the time i teasing u alot, i miss the time that ntg happen
between us.. i miss the memories we make together before this..
i hope u know, im not myself anymore cause of love.. and i be damn
rude to all person cause i feel like hell inside, wheres the old me?
where? i miss the old me.. i miss everything.. i feel like different person..
my emotion all complicated.. i dont know wether to be happy or sad or both
cause it really complicated, i must pretend to be happy even i feel suffer
in this heart.. idk myself anymore..
라라라
haloo :D
oh finally done edit my blog ohh xD
my back hurts my hand also hurts ohhhh~
btw happy new year to everybody ^^
i hope u all forgive my mistake while i dont notice and i hope
u guys always happy :)
this sunday gonna back to hostel my jail noooooo T__T
my wish of 2015? well, i hope i will always be strong, success of my study,
and i hope people around me will always be happy ^^
oh also i hope my leney will smile brightly everyday even tho i will rarely on
next year T_T i will miss youuuuu but dont worry, i will on everyday ^^
even it only take how many minutes, no matter hows busy im, i will always
find way to spend time together with you baby :p so dont sad sad, not its like
i will leave u forever blekkk :p smile always :p there are many thing happen
this year, i feel really thankful for the person who always stay by my side
no matter hows hard is my attitude ^^ thxxx :p
i leave many person, my friends this year in social i mean well but even
that i feel like we cant trust everyone and i feel hmm dont sad now?
i leave the person who just want use me right ahhh even got some of them
i still frd i can only see them as a normal frd that cant trust
lalalalala emo ady lalalalalala lantak ah :p
lalalalala emo ady lalalalalala lantak ah :p
byeeeee goodnight and goodmorning its 2:16am yooo
죽고 싶단 말 밖에
a worst day.. 22 december
hurts.. its hurt so much.. i can't be strong anymore..
see me im so weak rn.. can i just die? i only wanted to be die..
look in my eyes, do i really look happy?
blame me.. blame me for what i do.. just blame me until forever..
u never care my feelings.. u see me like a things can make people happy..
wait all person see my like that.. hahahahahahahaha im not humans im things..
hahahahaha so funny hahaha, see me im happy im really happy right hahahahaha
i never feel like this before, its gonna be more dark.. its gonna be more n more dark..
im human that r just deserve sad.. lucky.. yea lucky... god, helps me.. i cant stand
anymore.. god why it always me.. its feel like a blood in my heart that r comeout
nonstop.. u don't need me anymore, good la good la.. someone protect u more than
me then blame me then ask me to persuade u then tell me i should appreciate..
good la good.. what so good with love hahahaha tbh i dont like u get close to her
but what to do who i am.. right just a things that people use alot.. haha however
u so lucky la, got a person that really caring about u n protect u like a god woa
so good woa i also cant get that, since u young i know u lucky.. u want know
whos a person that i say deep inside her heart say " she deserve better than him "
its her la.. i can feel she hate me since i talk to her.. oh i know u will say this to her
just say la, i dont care anymore, say until u make my heart hates u not love u..
my limit of patient broken, now u see when i get control by feelings, u see
how crazy im rn, ohh bf should protect gf? huh i start to hate all girls,
u think guy no feelings ah? u think guy all same ah? u think guy should
the one who must say sorry? im completely in perfect feelings rn hahaha
i lost people who i love, i get no respect n blame, the feelings of always
get sadness than happiness, must pretend be ok n be normal, what again?
got somemore i must got? why, why im the one should be this pain.. why
i dont get happiness? cause i did things tht i hurt? i just want run away again..
i dont want to meet the people i know now, i dont want n want to have new life
again.. i dont want know the people i know rn, i want run away n gone..
must good, if i dont have feelings.. must it good i dont have any feelings..
see myself rn.. idk myself anymore.. i dont have anyone.. beside me..
i always say people " i will always be here for u " but look at me..
hahahaha, just ghost have.. how i wish i can meet myself.. n always
take of myself.. maybe god want to punish me.. i hurt all person alot..
i hurt all of them.. i hurt everything.. just punish me.. just blame me..
just leave me.. i have no life.. i know who myself.. im tired..
i better just live with my own live that r black n white.. im waiting..
im waiting for god answer.. im used by get hurt, pain, sad, all negative...
no one will like listen to my feelings.. i dont have anyone to tell my feelings
even got.. i dont want to tell it.. better i keep n hide it.. goodnight..
goodluck for all pt3 candidates for tmr.. wish u all the best~
new past
